On Dating Advice and Stereotypes

Apr 14th, 09 / 0 Comments

I recently came across some online dating advice given to a woman who had just been dumped. You can read it at Why Would a Guy Keep in Touch After He Already Dumped Me? The gist of this advice? The guy most likely didn’t want to be tied down, but wanted a friends with benefits kind of relationship. This is certainly possible. The problem is that this is the only possibility Evan talked about in his piece.

There are a lot of reasons guys might want to keep in touch with an ex-girlfriend after a breakup. Certainly hope of continuing sex might be one of those reasons. Another one, and the reason I usually keep in touch afterward, is that it could be that the guy actually values the friendship he had with the woman he was dating. This might be a shocker to people who buy into all the stereotypes about men out there, but we have feelings too, and a relationship not working out doesn’t mean we don’t care. It means that we didn’t work out as a couple, or we’re confused about what we want, or any number of other possibilities. A third possibility is that after breaking up, the guy realized he did something really dumb in dumping the woman, and wants to get back together. He might also not know if it’s a good idea to do so, so he contacts the woman in question to get a feel for if she’d be open to that.

There are likely other possibilities I’m not thinking of here. The point is, some dating expert can’t just read a letter with such a common situation and pick out the most likely scenario, because relationships and people are too different. He did admit he could be wrong about this, but he also only offered one possibility of what the guy in this situation was thinking. And, it was also the possibility that fits common stereotypes. Why is this I wonder? Does he not want to think about the situation in more depth? Is he giving the answer least likely to cause the woman pain, even though if he’s wrong and she finds out, it could be even worse? Is he saying what he thinks the public wants to hear? Does he truly believe this is the way men are? I don’t know. But this kind of thing always baffles me.

Another possibility is that he was aiming to give a concrete answer, without simply saying it could be anything. Unfortunately, it really could be just about anything. The best thing anyone in a situation like this can do is talk to her partner about it. I’m not saying blind trust is a good idea, as he could indeed be trying to manipulate the situation to his advantage. But he does know himself best, so he’s the best person to talk to about what he feels. Besides which, if you’re looking for friendship or a return to a relationship, I should hope you have some measure of trust for the person you’re dealing with. You can still be careful, and still look for warning signs he might not be completely up front, but talking about things can be very helpful.

In the end, I really want people to keep in mind a couple things. Not all men are just after some easy sex. This is a common stereotype, but I know many men who deeply value their friendships and relationships, and it’s an unfair stereotype with which to judge a random person you’ve never met. The other point is the best way to find out what’s going on with someone else is to talk to that person. This requires some faith and trust, but many men really do have good intentions. Certainly get a second opinion, but try to get it from someone who understands that not all stereotypes are true of all people.

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Relationships

Do Something!

Apr 13th, 09 / 0 Comments

Sometimes, people just aren’t happy with where they are in life. This is more common for some people than others. When you’re unhappy with a situation, what do you do? Many people just find themselves talking about it and not doing anything to fix it. I know I’ve caught myself falling into this trap fairly often, though I’ve been getting better about it recently.

Now, I’m not saying talking about it isn’t a valid strategy to deal with a problem in the beginning. It’s good to get advice and see what other people think. But if you just complain about how things are, and you don’t do anything to change it, then what makes you think anything will change? If you don’t do anything, there’s no reason to expect anything will turn out differently.

Don’t like being around the house so often? Go outside. Call your friends and organize a gathering. Don’t have enough friends? Go meet new people… or at least get out of the house so someone new might have a chance of meeting you. Unhappy with your job? Look for a new one. Want to get fit? Eat better, exercise, or do both.

Obviously, some problems will be easier to fix than others. Finding a job in this economy is like finding fire at the north pole. Making friends is a bit easier, but someone who has a hard time with social issues may still find it difficult, and will have to put more effort into it than the natural party guy everyone likes. Just because a problem is hard doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try though. If you don’t try, nothing will change. If you do try, it’s still possible nothing will change, but it’s also possible you’ll find what you need to make the changes you want. Even if you only get one change out of a few you want, you’ll be doing better than you were before. And as you try more things, you have a better chance of finding another solution and getting closer to where you want to be. The absolute worst thing you can do is sit around and do nothing.

Naturally, you can break things down if you need to. If you’re looking for a job, then start with writing a resume, or  finding a few open jobs you’d like to apply to. Another day, write  a cover letter.  Still another day, gather references. And so on until you have everything you need. Then send in your application. If you’re looking to make friends, maybe the first step is just leaving the house. Don’t worry about anything else, just get outside your lair. Later, you might try approaching someone just to talk. If talking to someone you’ve never met is too much social pressure for you, go someplace with familiar people. If you’re a gamer like me, go to a gaming shop where they allow people to hang out and play. If you like writing, find a writer’s gathering in town where people share their writing. If you find people like you, and everyone knows you’re like them due to having your shared interest, it’s likely someone will approach you to talk.

In any case, it’s ok to do things in small chunks. Sometimes it’s the only way to keep them manageable. But start doing something. Even if you only spend 5-10 minutes at first, it will start you on the path to making a change. And that’s what this is all about. Unless you want things to stay the same of course. But if that’s the case, you had no reason to complain in the first place.

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Independence and Freedom